Breaking: Your Favorite “Wholesome” Brands Are Just Corporate Catfish in Flannel Shirts

Breaking: Your Favorite “Wholesome” Brands Are Just Corporate Catfish in Flannel Shirts

Nothing crushes the indie-loving soul like realizing your crunchy peanut butter brand is secretly backed by the same conglomerate that sells bleach and body spray.

Take Tom’s of Maine — that natural deodorant brand that screams "crafted by a guy in a yurt." Well, Tom sold out. To Colgate-Palmolive. Yep, the toothpaste people. Tom’s just brushing up Wall Street’s portfolio now.

But it gets worse.

• Justin’s Peanut Butter? Thought he was just some Boulder bro with almonds and a dream? Owned by the same folks who own SPAM.
  
  

• Annie’s Homegrown? She packed up her overalls and moved into a General Mills high-rise.
  

• Ben & Jerry’s? Sorry. They now scoop for Unilever, the megacorp behind Axe body spray and Tresemmé.
  

• Burt’s Bees? Buddy, Burt was real. He had bees. He had the beard. And then Clorox bought the whole hive.
  

  • Bonus betrayal: Burt got pushed out after an alleged affair and a company coup. Corporate America doesn't care how rustic your flannel is.
    

And the list goes on:

• Dollar Shave Club — once the rebellious underdog fighting Big Razor? Unilever again.
  

• Seventh Generation? That peace-loving eco-cleaner? Also Unilever.
  

• Kashi — the granola you trusted not to sell out. Hi Kellogg’s.
  

• Choco Taco? Okay, that one never pretended. But yes, still Unilever.
  

The moral? If your favorite brand sounds like a chill guy named Greg who composts and plays acoustic guitar on weekends… Greg probably reports to a board of directors.

Corporations aren’t people — but they’re really good at pretending to be.