Grandpa Got Scammed Out of His Bitcoin, But Don’t Worry—Trump’s DOJ Is Taking a Long Lunch

Grandpa Got Scammed Out of His Bitcoin, But Don’t Worry—Trump’s DOJ Is Taking a Long Lunch

America lost $9.3 billion to crypto-related crime last year—because nothing screams land of the free like giving your retirement savings to a guy named “CryptoWizard420” on Telegram.

Even though crypto still isn’t used by most Americans, it somehow managed to make up 56% of all internet crime losses in 2024. That’s right, crypto accounted for over half of all money stolen online… and the number just keeps going up. Losses jumped 66% in one year.

But here's where it gets crueler than a gas station hot dog at 2 a.m.: over $2.8 billion of those crypto losses were stolen from seniors—folks aged 60 and older. That’s nearly half the victims where age was known. Because nothing says Golden Years like getting rugged on an NFT of a cartoon frog in sunglasses.

So what did the Trump administration do about it?

Oh, easy—they dismantled the Department of Justice's Cryptocurrency Investigations Unit. Because apparently, the real crime is wasting government resources on tracking stolen monopoly money.

Instead, the DOJ was told to “prioritize other crimes,” which presumably means banning books and arresting drag queens, because that’s what keeps grandma safe… right?

One could call this fiscal Darwinism. Others might just call it what it is:
 The Art of Getting Scammed—Senior Edition.

Thoughts? Or should everyone over 60 start hiding their Bitcoin in a sock drawer again?