“I Rebuke You in the Name of Jesus!” — GOP Melts Down as Trump Demands They Close Their Eyes and Vote

“I Rebuke You in the Name of Jesus!” — GOP Melts Down as Trump Demands They Close Their Eyes and Vote

Well folks, the Republican Party finally hit its group therapy session moment—except instead of healing, it was all holy rebukes and political panic attacks.

Speaker of the House Mike Johnson introduced the sacred GOP spending bill, hoping it would glide through Congress like a Chick-fil-A order on Sunday.

Spoiler: It didn’t.

Ten Republicans went full mutiny. One literally said,

“I rebuke you in the name of Jesus,”

to Mike Johnson’s face—like he was trying to cast out a budget demon.

(Coming this fall to HBO: Exorcist: Capitol Hill Edition)

Meanwhile, Trump is standing offstage yelling,

“Close your eyes and vote!”

No seriously. That’s the strategy now.

Close your eyes. Shut your brain off. And just let the chaos wash over you.

But Republicans are refusing to play ball.

If the bill doesn’t pass tonight, it’s lights out for government funding—again.

And what happens when nothing gets passed?

A two-week recess. Everyone hops on a private jet,

leaves Americans without critical services,

and goes to Cancun like it’s a snowstorm in Texas.

So to recap:

The party of “fiscal responsibility” can’t agree on a spending bill,

the Speaker is getting exorcised on the House floor,

Trump’s pushing a “close-your-eyes-and-yeet” strategy,

and the government might shut down because no one wants to cancel their spring break.

America, your tax dollars at work.