Trump Declares War on Australian Cheeseburgers to Save America From... Nothing, Actually

Trump Declares War on Australian Cheeseburgers to Save America From… Nothing, Actually

New tariffs on Aussie beef: because nothing says "America First" like taxing your own McDonald’s combo meal.

The internet's been sizzling lately over claims that the U.S. imports billions in Australian beef while poor, helpless American cows aren’t allowed into Australia at all. Trump made this claim during a rally-turned-tariff-announcement, and it’s since been echoed by his allies and even a few confused farmers looking for their 15 seconds on Fox News.

But here’s what they forgot to mention in their meat-based meltdown:

Australia used to import U.S. beef… until 2003, when mad cow disease made a surprise American debut. Since then, Australia’s biosecurity rules have been strict, requiring all imported beef to come from cows raised entirely in the exporting country.

Problem is, U.S. beef often comes from cattle imported from other countries—like Canada or Mexico—which disqualifies it under Aussie rules. This isn’t an anti-America beef ban. It’s the same kind of regulation the U.S. uses to vet foreign meat imports. You know, the rules Trump says are just common sense when we apply them to other countries.

But let’s say the U.S. could meet the standards. There’s still a teensy problem:

Australia doesn’t need our beef.

Their beef production massively outpaces their demand. Their population is roughly the size of Florida’s. There’s no open market just begging for foreign ribeyes.

Meanwhile, the U.S. imports Aussie beef for one big reason: demand. Especially from fast food chains that want lean, grass-fed beef at scale. Tariffs won’t make American beef more competitive—they’ll just jack up prices for burgers, tacos, and meatballs while doing absolutely nothing to help American ranchers.

So what’s really happening?

Trump created a fake trade outrage over a problem that doesn’t exist, then sold the solution as tariffs, which will ultimately hurt American consumers and do nothing for American farmers.

It’s like being mad that Australia won’t buy your snowmobiles and deciding to make snowmobiles more expensive in Arizona.

In summary: America is now paying extra for Big Macs because someone heard a rumor that Australia doesn’t want our cows.

And that’s the whole cowspiracy.